How do I teach my baby to go to sleep on their own?

Dear parents and readers,

Teaching our infants to sleep through the night can be tiresome and frustrating, however it is very important. There are different ways that experts suggest on how to teach an infant to self soothe or fall asleep on their own. Recently a concerned parent asked me if there is a way to teach self soothing without letting your infant "cry it out". My answer to that is "yes, but" there are ways to teach your infant how to soothe themselves through opportunities and practice, however there is no way to guarantee that tears will not be shed.

Most families are working towards a goal of being able to put their child down for bed or nap while they are awake and being confident that their child can fall asleep on their own. Now this may not happen until a child is 2 or 3 years old or as early as 4 or 5 months, however it depends on the parents expectations and determination.

Before I provide suggestion on how to teach self soothing without "crying it out",
Lets talk a little about crying. Infant crying is the most important way babies have of communicating their needs. Babies don't have spoken words to tell us what they need or like or feel. Instead, they have a language all their own. Feet-kicking, hand-waving, head-turning, and different kinds of cries are the "words." Understanding crying is important for parents so they can learn to distinguish which need their infant is expressing based on the sound of their cry. In regards to teaching infants to self soothe, just remember if your child is safe, fed, dry, and securely attached then they will be completely okay crying for a few minutes without you reassuring them. With every transition there is likely to be a few tears since it is your babies way of communicating and they have learned how to get what they want.

Here are a few tips on how to teach your baby how to fall asleep on their own...

First off, developmentally an infant is capable of developing a regular sleep routine and self soothing techniques around the age of 4months. Prior to the 4 month mark, infants are still needing to eat every few hours throughout the night and most importantly, are learning that they can trust their caregivers to meet their needs.

The first thing to distinguish before you start teaching your child self soothing, is to decide whether or not your child feels safe. This means that you want to think about how your infant has been treated over the last few months. Questions to ask yourself include, When my baby cries has she been tended to? Has her environment been consistent? Has she been exposed to any violence or stress within the home? When I pick her up to soothe her does she calm down quickly? Does she know that her needs will be met when she needs something?
If your answers point to the fact that she has been given every opportunity to bond to a caregiver and she now knows that her needs will be met, this means that she has more than likely developed a "secure relationship". This means she knows she is safe and she trusts you. Now you can begin to challenge her by teaching her self soothing which is a valuable lifelong skill.

Teaching Self Soothing

1. Develop a regular sleep and feeding routine. (See Post on Sleeping Through the Night)

2. Routine should include a calm dark room with consistent white noise. It should also include a tight swaddle or a sleep sac for larger babies. This routine may also include a bottle and up to 10 minutes of rocking.

3. First goal is to be consistent with sleep routine for at least 2 weeks. Once baby is used to sleeping in crib at certain times, then we can begin to wean her from needing to be rocked/swayed to sleep.

4. Introduce opportunities to self soothe. The way to do this is to follow your normal sleep routine, which probably includes rocking, but start by laying your infant down in crib before they fall completely asleep. Walk away for 5 minutes. If they did not fall asleep, pick them up and rock them again. Try to lay them down again before they are completely asleep and repeat process. This allows opportunities for them to learn to self soothe. It may not work on day one so I suggest trying 2 or 3 times on the first day then go ahead and let them fall completely asleep so they get their nap. Repeat this everyday. They will eventually get more used to the idea and will eventually fall asleep during the 5 minutes where you walk away and they are left alone.

Some infants cry when they are put down before completely asleep. The first step is to lay them down and walk away for 5 minutes. When babies are really tired, they may fall asleep on their own after about 5-10 minutes of fussing or they will get mad and begin to cry hard. The goal is to pick them up and try again before they get really mad because it will be difficult for them to fall back asleep.

5. Be consistent. This is the closest option I know for not letting your child "cry it out" because it is only allowing a short 5 minute window for infants to try to put themselves to sleep or cry. "Cry it out" method includes increased periods of time where the infants are left alone to cry themselves asleep, thus eventually learning that they Can fall asleep without mom. The crying will subsequently decrease during each nap until they go down peacefully.

Remember, your child knows that they are safe and they know that you have not abandoned them. You are making the important parenting decision to teach you child a new life long skill. Sometimes parenting decisions are difficult although they are very important. You can do this. It is in the best interest of your entire family. Just be consistent and give yourself breaks. You can expect to see progress after at least 1 week of consistency. Good luck!

Sincerely,

Michelle

Michelle Chrastil, MA NCC CPD
Honest Family Services, LLC.
www.honestfamilyservices.com