Developmental Milestones

Monday, February 22, 2010

The Discipline Approach I Love

Hello parents and readers,

In today's post, I am addressing my preferred method of discipline which I use in my counseling practice and with my own child. I will provide a step by step guide on how to introduce this technique and use it within your family.

There comes a point where every new parent needs to decide how they are going to guide their child through difficulties. Some parents may not feel comfortable with the term "discipline" and interpret it as harsh. The discipline I am referring to is simply a consistent system that teaches children boundaries through expectations, consequences, and praise. Every child needs guidance. They need to be taught the rules and consequences of their choices. They also need to be praised when they behave well. In my experience, this method of discipline is the most age appropriate and clear way to guide your children.

Expectations, Consequences, and Praise (ECP) method of Discipline
1. Set Expectations
2. Have Consequences
3. Praise good behaviors

This method of discipline matches with what children need developmentally. Children need to have their expectations known to them, consistent consequences, and lots of praise for good behavior. As you can see this method of discipline does not use any physical forms of punishment. For more information on spanking, please see the end of this post.

Introduction to ECP Discipline

Step #1: Expectations
Begin with setting appropriate Household Rules

Setting rules for your children is important. It is important for us as parents to be clear on what we expect from our children and it is helpful for children to have clear expectations regarding behavior. When making the rules have them fit with your parenting expectations and your child's behavioral challenges. Once you have chosen rules, make them known by making a rule board chart to hang on a wall or the refrigerator. Introduce the rules to your child through disscussion.

Example for 24 month old girl...
1. No Hitting

2. No Biting

3. No Screaming when mom or dad tells you “no”.

Step #2: Consequences
How to enforce consequences...

1. Pick Location
Pick safe space and label it. This place can be a designated chair, pillow on the floor, a room, a stair, or a spot of the floor that is marked. It can be anything that fits with your parenting beliefs…. “Time out”, “Naughty Spot”, “Reflection Room”, “Down Time”, “Chill out Chair”, or anything else that works for you. When I started with my daughter at 19 months it was a “naughty pillow” on the floor and it evolved to the first stair as she got older.

2. Set Timer

To begin, “Naughty spot” is used when your child breaks a rule. The way you use this technique is you match the time each child spends on the spot with their age. For example, lets say your daughter is one year old so she will serve 1 minute when she breaks a rule.

3. Follow Up
After your child has served their time, walk over to them and get on eye level. Say, “Mommy put you on the Naughty spot because you were screaming. That is not ok. We don’t scream when I say no. I would like an apology".

4. Child Apology
You may need to remind them why they are in time out but then they should apologize.

5. Give Love
After timeout it is okay to remind their children that you love them. Give a hug or kiss.

Step #3 Praise Good Behaviors
Children also need positive praise to reinforce their good behavior. So often we give more attention to our children's negative behaviors and then they learn that bad behavior is the way to get Mom or Dads attention. This is why it is important to praise good behavior.

After introducing this discipline and sucessfully following through, you will probably feel a well deserved sense of accomplishment. Sometimes it is important for parents to remember that they do have control as parents and it is possible to change a behavior. Please check out www.supernanny.com for addional support and information.

Typically once children understand the rules and the consequences of their home, the need for using the “naughty spot” will slowly disappear. Once it is in your tool bag you can use it whenever you need to. My number one suggestion is be Consistent!

Remember children need boundaries and need their parents to teach them the consequences of unacceptable behavior. You will do great I am sure.

Good Luck and remember to value the time you have with your children and focus on having moments of joyful one on one time to foster a close relationship between the two of you.

Sincerely,


Michelle


Michelle Chrastil, MA NCC CPD
Honest Family Services, LLC.
www.honestfamilyservices.com

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

A post for Dads.

Dear Parents and Readers,

There is currently a movement going on with the new generation of fathers. Dad's are tired of being on the back burner of parenting and are starting to make time with their children as important as their careers. It is about time that dads now have the opportunity to to both, family and career. Because I am not a father I think it is important for me to team up with a company that specilizes in understanding issues related to fatherhood. Daddy Doula is a company focused on meeting the needs of the modern father. Daddy Doula offers classes designed specifically for men, created by men.

Learn more about finding support for new dads and tap into a network of fathers who are dedicated to playing an active role in their children's lives. Learn more by visiting Daddy Doula's blog or their website at http://www.wherefathersgrow.com/.


Thanks Daddy Doula for finally providing a company dedicated to meeting the needs of new fathers.

Sincerely,

Michelle

Michelle Chrastil, MA NCC CPD
Honest Family Services
www.honestfamilyservices.com

Monday, February 15, 2010

5 Steps to Build Self Esteem in our Children

Hello parents and readers,

Recently a parent requested that I write a post which addresses the importance of building self esteem in our children and requested tips on how to encourage good self esteem in our children. In today's society, our children's' self esteem is under daily attack. With the media's portrayal of unattainable beauty and body size, we have to arm our children with the tools necessary to stand strong so that they can learn to love themselves and to appreciate their individual uniqueness. I have provided my readers with 5 steps to strengthen our child's self esteem. For more information go to www.honestfamilyservices.com.

5 Steps for Parents To Build Self Esteem in Their Children

Step #1 Be Generous with Praise.
All children need love and appreciation and thrive on positive attention.
Parents can do this by using "words" of encouragement. Use the following statements daily with your children...

1. "That's right"
2. "That is wonderful"
3. "Good Job"
4. "I like the way you..."
5. "You are improving at..."

Most Importantly
6. "I am proud of you"

Words and actions have great impact on the confidence of our children, including adolescents, remember these positive statements parents and caregivers say to them to your children DAILY.

Step #2 Give Positive Touch
All Children and adolescents thrive on positive physical responses such as...

1. Parents can smile often
2. Give a nod of approval
3. Wink at your child
4. Give a hug to show attention
5. Give kisses and tell them you love them

Step# 3 Avoid Criticism
Blame and negative judgments are at the core of poor self-esteem and can lead to emotional disorders. Avoid statements such as...

1. ANY Statements related to weight or body image. "You need to lose weight", "You need to burn calories" "You don't want to be fat do you" "You are looking too thin" "Lets go work out so you can lose a few pounds" or talking to friends or neighbors about "my child needs to lose weight".

This is a very important and prevalent issue. It is often between mothers and daughters and sometimes critical fathers towards their daughters weight. These statements can be VERY damaging. As parents, it is our job to foster good self esteem no matter what our child's body type.

Use positive statements and if needed modify food intake and increase exercise in a way that is focused on positive results. "Lets go work out so we can "stay" healthy and strong" "Lets eat some more veggies so you can grow big and strong like Mommy and Daddy" "You are already beautiful but if you want to choose an active activity to become more healthy, I will help you."

It is all in the way we say it to our children. Be positive. Never criticize body weight. Work on our own self esteems and practice saying these positive comments to our selves.
1. "I love my body"
2. "I am healthy and strong"
3. "I love my womanly curves"
4. "If I can't love myself the way I am, who will".

Step #4 Teach children about decision making.

Teach children about making "choices" and to recognize when they have made good decisions. Let them "own" their problems. If they solve them, they gain confidence in themselves. If you solve them, they'll remain dependent on you.

1. Encourage your children to make their own "choices", but remind them that there is a "consequence" to each choice. Hopefully, these natural consequences will guide them to make more smart choices in their future.

Step #5 Show children that you can laugh at yourself.
Show them that life doesn't need to be serious all the time and that some teasing is all in fun. Your sense of humor is important for their well-being.

Parents can play important roles in helping their children feel better about themselves and developing greater confidence. Doing this is important because children with good self-esteem:

Act independently
Assume responsibility
Take pride in their accomplishments
Tolerate frustration
Handle peer pressure appropriately
Attempt new tasks and challenges
Handle positive and negative emotions
Offer assistance to others

Remember, you are already taking the first step to improving your child's self esteem by educating your self.

Remember these 5 simple steps.
1. Increase Praise
2. Give Positive Touch
3. Avoid Criticism
4. Teach Decision Making Skills
5. Be able to Laugh at your self.

You have the opportunity to make a dramatic difference in your child's self concept. Let us teach and encourage our children in a positive way each day.

Best of Luck,

Michelle

Michelle Chrastil, MA NCC CPD
Honest Family Services, LLC.
www.honestfamilyservices.com

Thursday, February 11, 2010

10 Steps On How To Hire a Nanny

Hello readers and parents,

Finding childcare for our precious little ones can be stressful. It seems as though as soon as you get a comfortable child care arrangement, something happens and it is time to repeat the process all over again. As part of my services I offer families support by matching up famililes with qualified nannies. The average cost of paying a nanny agency is between $950-$2000 per nanny placement. As you can see it can be expensive. It is also frustrating when the nanny you hired needs to be replaced a few months after hire. If hiring through an agency is too expensive or if you prefer to do the legwork yourself here are a few tips.

10 Steps to hire a nanny...

Step #1 Brainstorm with your partner on which qualities and qualifications you would like your new nanny to have.

Step #2 Create a paragraph long description of what you are looking for in a nanny. Include the days and hours she will be required to work, the minimal qualifications, and a salary range. Request that the applicants send you a resume and 2 references and include an email address for them to send you their materials.

In deciding on a salary range, an average hourly rate for a live-out nanny starts around $14 an hour and ranges up to $22 an hour based on education and qualifications. In choosing a salary range that is affordable for your family, consider how many children you have, how much flexibility you require, and the overall demand of the nanny position.

Step #3 Post the job posting. There are a few different online options where you can post you listing. I suggest posting at a few different locations.
http://www.craigslist.com/
http://www.gonannies.com/
Nannies from care.com.

Step #4 Screen the Applicants. This step requires the most time. Review the applicants and pick your top 5 applicants.

Step #5 Begin brief phone interviews. Contact your top 5 applicants and ask a few brief questions.
1. Do the required hours for this position fit with your schedule?
2. What is your reason for seeking a nanny position?
3. If you could choose one word to describe yourself what would it be?
4. Tell me one reason I should offer you the position versus another applicant?

Step #6 Decide on your top 3 applicants and set up in-person interviews. Interviews typically take place at the families home. Ideally it is best to have you and your partner sit through the interviews so you both can be a part of the process. If one parent is not available it is sometimes helpful to have a friend or a family member sit in on the interview for a second opinion.

Step #7 Pick your top two applicants and call references. Ask each reference at least a few questions.
1. Tell me about "______" as an employee?
2. How long did "______" work for you? what was the reason she left the position?
3. How would you describe her relationship with your children?
4. Would you refer her for this position?
5. Is there anything else you think would be important for me to know?

Step #8 Choose your top applicant and have them sign a release form to conduct a background check. You will need their signature and a copy of their drivers license.

Step #9 Run background check. Online resources are available for minimal price.
I suggest doing a price check through either www.care.com or www.gonannies.com.

Step #10 Make an offer to your top applicant. Once she accepts the position I suggest writing up a simple contract including the salary rate, expectations, paid holidays, and additional requirements for the position. Both you and the nanny sign the contract and keep a copy for reference.

Congratulations! You now have a nanny. The typical length of a nanny contract is one year. If you need any additional support or are interested in using my services to minimize the process, you can contact me at www.honestfamilyservices.com.

Best of Luck,

Michelle

Michelle Chrastil, MA CPD NCC
Honest Family Services, LLC.
www.honestfamilyservices.com

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Help! My breastfed baby wakes me up every few hours all night long.

Dear readers and parents,

A common concern breastfeeding mothers report is that although their child is at the age to be physically able to sleep through the night (around 3-4 months)they keep mommy up by waking up 3-4 times a night to nurse. What is going on?

When babies are first born they need to eat every 2-3 hours throughout the day and night in order to get enough calories. At birth, most infants stomachs are only the size of a quarter. This means they need less milk to fill them up but they burn through the milk quickly thus needing to eat more often. When your baby reaches the age of 3 or 4 months they have probably developed some sort of routine and are understanding the difference between nighttime and daytime sleeping. They can also go for longer stretches without eating. At this age the goal is to fill up their day time tummies so their longest stretch will be in the middle of the night.

Sometimes a breastfed baby begins to sleep longer stretches around 3 months which is very exciting for parents. However, at some point around 4-6 months they begin to wake up more often (every 2 hours) and stop sleeping long stretches in the middle of the night. Today's question is Why?

What may be happening...

As a breastfeeding infant, your baby's primary goal is to begin developing a secure relationship with their caregiver which means they learn to trust that you as their parent will meet their needs when they need something. To an infant they are just beginning to understand this world and how to survive. So the goal for parents is to be attentive and loving to their infants during the first 3 months of life so their baby learns that they are safe. After the first 3 months your baby has probably learned that they are safe and well taken care of but now they are beginning to have preferences and are learning how to get what they "want" not necessarily what they "need". As parents your job now is to try to meet your babies needs by giving them what they want but also begin introducing boundaries and teaching them self soothing skills. Now it is time to make parenting decisions. Your breastfed infant has now learned that they love breastfeeding and they love their mommy. What is probably going on in the middle of the night is that they "want" you. They "want" to snuggle, they "want" to pacify on the breast, they may wake up and "want" you to put them back to sleep. Often they are not waking up to eat.

Now that you know what may be going on for your baby, now what do you do about it? Before we begin any changes in the nighttime feeding arrangement, we must first look at your babies routine during the day. Babies need structure and routine. It helps them understand what is coming next and what is expected of them.

Step #1: Routine

Review or establish a routine for your baby. Your routine can be flexible but should have some structure. Begin by purchasing a notebook and start recording what time your infant wakes up in the morning, times they eat, and designated bedtime. If you do not have a routine start by writing out your ideal routine that would work with your family's schedule.

Things to look for when reviewing your baby's routine...
1. How often do they eat? How long at each feeding? How long of stretch imbetween feedings.
2. When are your babies naps during the day? How long? How does your baby fall asleep? Where are her naps? Is their a routine at bedtime so she knows it is time to sleep?

It is common if you are reading this that you realize that your baby does not have a routine. That is okay, however it is time to establish one and begin following it daily. A baby's daytime routine is directly related to sleeping through the night. Creating a routine for your breastfed baby is the first step to increase stretches of sleep at night.

Step #2 Baby Checklist

Now that you have a set routine (check former blog post for more info), lets look for possible night waking causes.
Ask yourself...
Questions:

1. Is my child eating enough during the day?
2. Is my child getting at least 2-4 hours (2-3 naps daily) of sleep during the day?
3. Is my child sleeping more than 4 hours during the day?
4. Does my child no how to fall asleep without the breast?

These questions will point you to the possible solution...
Answers:

1.If your baby eats every 2 hours throughout the day, this is not a long enough stretch for your baby's body to adjust to going longer stretches at night. At five months, your baby should be able to go at least 3 hours between each feeding. The way to correct this is to start at the beginning of the day and only offer the breast after 3 hours. During the first stretch your baby will more than likely get hungry at their normal 2 hours but you need to distract them and hold them off to 3 hours. This will retrain them to eat more at each feeding thus increasing the amount of food they eat throughout the day.

2. If your baby is not getting at least 2 hours of sleep during the day, then your child is overtired and is having difficulty staying asleep. The solution is to develop a daily sleep routine and help your child get longer naps. Naps should be in the crib (or your families designated sleep area). It should be dark and calm in the room with a form of white noise to drown out daytime noises and to help keep baby sleeping. Pick a designated time for bedtime and try to stick with it. Again focus on developing routine. Create bedtime routine that may consist of a bath and books or just pj's and sometime in the rocking chair.

3. If your child is sleep more than 4 hours during the day, I would suggest keeping it to a 4 hour maximum. The best way to do this is to have a set routine with two 2 hour long naps which are at the same time everyday. Wake your baby up buy turning on the lights and turning off the white noise at about 2 hours.

4. More than likely your baby does not know how to go to sleep without the breast so they wake up often and need you to soothe them or they are waking up because they miss you and just "want" you to put them back to sleep. If this sounds familiar, it may be time to start crib training. Another helpful thing is to have dad go in the room and put her back to sleep with a bottle if it is time to eat. This will show your baby that it is not always mom and this usually encourages them to stay asleep.

Step #3 Make Changes

Now that you have an idea of what may be causing the night wakings, try one of my suggested solutions. If you need additional support or if you think it may be time for crib training, you can contact myself or your local postpartum doula for support.

Postpartum Doulas

www.honestfamilyservices.com
www.cappa.net
www.coloradodoulaassoication.com

Best of Luck,

Michelle

Michelle Chrastil, MA CPD NCC
Honest Family Services, LLC.
www.honestfamilyservics.com

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

How do I teach my baby to go to sleep on their own?

Dear parents and readers,

Teaching our infants to sleep through the night can be tiresome and frustrating, however it is very important. There are different ways that experts suggest on how to teach an infant to self soothe or fall asleep on their own. Recently a concerned parent asked me if there is a way to teach self soothing without letting your infant "cry it out". My answer to that is "yes, but" there are ways to teach your infant how to soothe themselves through opportunities and practice, however there is no way to guarantee that tears will not be shed.

Most families are working towards a goal of being able to put their child down for bed or nap while they are awake and being confident that their child can fall asleep on their own. Now this may not happen until a child is 2 or 3 years old or as early as 4 or 5 months, however it depends on the parents expectations and determination.

Before I provide suggestion on how to teach self soothing without "crying it out",
Lets talk a little about crying. Infant crying is the most important way babies have of communicating their needs. Babies don't have spoken words to tell us what they need or like or feel. Instead, they have a language all their own. Feet-kicking, hand-waving, head-turning, and different kinds of cries are the "words." Understanding crying is important for parents so they can learn to distinguish which need their infant is expressing based on the sound of their cry. In regards to teaching infants to self soothe, just remember if your child is safe, fed, dry, and securely attached then they will be completely okay crying for a few minutes without you reassuring them. With every transition there is likely to be a few tears since it is your babies way of communicating and they have learned how to get what they want.

Here are a few tips on how to teach your baby how to fall asleep on their own...

First off, developmentally an infant is capable of developing a regular sleep routine and self soothing techniques around the age of 4months. Prior to the 4 month mark, infants are still needing to eat every few hours throughout the night and most importantly, are learning that they can trust their caregivers to meet their needs.

The first thing to distinguish before you start teaching your child self soothing, is to decide whether or not your child feels safe. This means that you want to think about how your infant has been treated over the last few months. Questions to ask yourself include, When my baby cries has she been tended to? Has her environment been consistent? Has she been exposed to any violence or stress within the home? When I pick her up to soothe her does she calm down quickly? Does she know that her needs will be met when she needs something?
If your answers point to the fact that she has been given every opportunity to bond to a caregiver and she now knows that her needs will be met, this means that she has more than likely developed a "secure relationship". This means she knows she is safe and she trusts you. Now you can begin to challenge her by teaching her self soothing which is a valuable lifelong skill.

Teaching Self Soothing

1. Develop a regular sleep and feeding routine. (See Post on Sleeping Through the Night)

2. Routine should include a calm dark room with consistent white noise. It should also include a tight swaddle or a sleep sac for larger babies. This routine may also include a bottle and up to 10 minutes of rocking.

3. First goal is to be consistent with sleep routine for at least 2 weeks. Once baby is used to sleeping in crib at certain times, then we can begin to wean her from needing to be rocked/swayed to sleep.

4. Introduce opportunities to self soothe. The way to do this is to follow your normal sleep routine, which probably includes rocking, but start by laying your infant down in crib before they fall completely asleep. Walk away for 5 minutes. If they did not fall asleep, pick them up and rock them again. Try to lay them down again before they are completely asleep and repeat process. This allows opportunities for them to learn to self soothe. It may not work on day one so I suggest trying 2 or 3 times on the first day then go ahead and let them fall completely asleep so they get their nap. Repeat this everyday. They will eventually get more used to the idea and will eventually fall asleep during the 5 minutes where you walk away and they are left alone.

Some infants cry when they are put down before completely asleep. The first step is to lay them down and walk away for 5 minutes. When babies are really tired, they may fall asleep on their own after about 5-10 minutes of fussing or they will get mad and begin to cry hard. The goal is to pick them up and try again before they get really mad because it will be difficult for them to fall back asleep.

5. Be consistent. This is the closest option I know for not letting your child "cry it out" because it is only allowing a short 5 minute window for infants to try to put themselves to sleep or cry. "Cry it out" method includes increased periods of time where the infants are left alone to cry themselves asleep, thus eventually learning that they Can fall asleep without mom. The crying will subsequently decrease during each nap until they go down peacefully.

Remember, your child knows that they are safe and they know that you have not abandoned them. You are making the important parenting decision to teach you child a new life long skill. Sometimes parenting decisions are difficult although they are very important. You can do this. It is in the best interest of your entire family. Just be consistent and give yourself breaks. You can expect to see progress after at least 1 week of consistency. Good luck!

Sincerely,

Michelle

Michelle Chrastil, MA NCC CPD
Honest Family Services, LLC.
www.honestfamilyservices.com

Testomonials

"Michelle is truly a dedicated therapist. She has found her calling. Michelle is a patient and insightful and has a way of gently facilitating seismic shifts in family dynamics. She has helped my 14 year old daughter, and in turn me, so much. I am really grateful we found you!"



-Adrienne



"Michelle was such a blessing to our family. My oldest girl Rachel absolutely loved her. Michelle was able to incorporate learning into playtime and she has an amazing ability to manage little ones. As a working mom, I couldn't have made it without her when my second child was born. I don't know who she took better care of, me or my girls!"



-Dana




"Coming home from the hospital, as a new mom of twins, was both excited and intimidating. My husband and I hired Michelle initially, as a night nanny. I can honestly say that she was a complete wealth of information and so wonderful with our twin daughters. Being new to this all and having no family in town, it was nice to have someone who was so experienced. Her knowledge of helping mothers of twins, with successfully breastfeeding, was the most important thing to me! Because of her, I was able to breastfeed my daughters until they were nine months old! She was so encouraging and I don't think I could have done it without her! Once our girls were sleeping through the night we had Michelle start helping us out during the day! Our daughters loved her, but I think we loved her more!!! "



-Linsley



"When our 4 month old was continuing to get up six or more times a night and my husband was sleeping on the couch for months, we thankfully, found Michelle. She spent time with us to understand what our schedule and routine was,or wasn't!, and helped us with a schedule and routine that really worked. Within a few weeks, Bella was sleeping through the night, and my husband and I got our bed back. Michelle's suggestions helped us so much. She was very caring and supportive. Thank you Michelle!"



-Jen